PART FIVE
"Ten seconds," the TV director said as the President rubbed his head.
The make-up girl grabbed his hand away from his hair and did a quick last minute comb.
"Three, two, one."
The President looked at the camera the way he practiced every morning when he was brushing his teeth.
"My fellow Americans," he began. reading from the Teleprompter. "If you have been watching your TV lately it will be obvious that our country is in a state of turmoil. Disloyal factions within the Liberal community are doing everything they can to interfere with the rights of freedom loving people all across this great nation.
"I have received reports from Home Land Security that many of these traitors have ties to terrorist organizations in other parts of the world. Many of them have traveled to France and Cuba where they learned to speak foreign un-American languages, cook gourmet food and participate in immoral sexual activities.
"It is with a heavy heart that I come before the people of America to announce what your government is forced to do to secure the freedom of the citizens of this wonderful country.
"I know everyone is looking forward to the next election. No one more so than myself. But secret documents have been discovered that outline a Liberal conspiracy to disrupt the voting by running their own candidates.
"Therefore, to save democracy I am announcing today that I've decided to re-schedule the elections until next year. Or at least until Home Land Security has been able to round up all the traitors and Hollywood actors who oppose freedom in this country.
"Over the next few months we will be giving the men and women in law enforcement who defend and protect your rights some added tools in their war against terrorists. If you should become aware that someone is listening in on your telephone calls or opening your mail, remember, you are part of a great team. A team that is keeping America strong and free.
"I urge you, if you know of anyone, friend, co-worker or family member who harbors traitorous thoughts and has said something bad about your government, be sure to report them. At the bottom of your screen you'll see an 800-snitch number. Call any time, day or night.
"And remember kids, if you're reporting your parents, be sure to show the police where they hide their dope stash when they come to arrest them.
"A nice social worker will take you to live with a family that loves you and will teach you how to shoot guns and laugh at poor people.
"So remember, only if we all pull together and support your government without whining or complaining can we keep this country strong and free. Together we can help the rest of the world find freedom and happiness. It's what I want. It's what my wife Laura Lee wants, and it's what God wants. Good night America.”
The crew began packing up. "How'd I do?" Jerry asked Laura Lee.
"You were fantastic," Laura Lee said dangling a bacon bit over his upturned mouth. "I might have a reward for my big strong man when he goes to bed tonight"
She glanced behind her and smiled as the Secretary of State softly ran a finger across the back of her neck.President Jerry Shrub didn't notice. He was too excited about Laura Lee's promise. She sure was a good woman he thought. That was the kind of talk he wanted to hear. He always liked it when she let him sleep with his teddy bear.
"Ten seconds," the TV director said as the President rubbed his head.
The make-up girl grabbed his hand away from his hair and did a quick last minute comb.
"Three, two, one."
The President looked at the camera the way he practiced every morning when he was brushing his teeth.
"My fellow Americans," he began. reading from the Teleprompter. "If you have been watching your TV lately it will be obvious that our country is in a state of turmoil. Disloyal factions within the Liberal community are doing everything they can to interfere with the rights of freedom loving people all across this great nation.
"I have received reports from Home Land Security that many of these traitors have ties to terrorist organizations in other parts of the world. Many of them have traveled to France and Cuba where they learned to speak foreign un-American languages, cook gourmet food and participate in immoral sexual activities.
"It is with a heavy heart that I come before the people of America to announce what your government is forced to do to secure the freedom of the citizens of this wonderful country.
"I know everyone is looking forward to the next election. No one more so than myself. But secret documents have been discovered that outline a Liberal conspiracy to disrupt the voting by running their own candidates.
"Therefore, to save democracy I am announcing today that I've decided to re-schedule the elections until next year. Or at least until Home Land Security has been able to round up all the traitors and Hollywood actors who oppose freedom in this country.
"Over the next few months we will be giving the men and women in law enforcement who defend and protect your rights some added tools in their war against terrorists. If you should become aware that someone is listening in on your telephone calls or opening your mail, remember, you are part of a great team. A team that is keeping America strong and free.
"I urge you, if you know of anyone, friend, co-worker or family member who harbors traitorous thoughts and has said something bad about your government, be sure to report them. At the bottom of your screen you'll see an 800-snitch number. Call any time, day or night.
"And remember kids, if you're reporting your parents, be sure to show the police where they hide their dope stash when they come to arrest them.
"A nice social worker will take you to live with a family that loves you and will teach you how to shoot guns and laugh at poor people.
"So remember, only if we all pull together and support your government without whining or complaining can we keep this country strong and free. Together we can help the rest of the world find freedom and happiness. It's what I want. It's what my wife Laura Lee wants, and it's what God wants. Good night America.”
The crew began packing up. "How'd I do?" Jerry asked Laura Lee.
"You were fantastic," Laura Lee said dangling a bacon bit over his upturned mouth. "I might have a reward for my big strong man when he goes to bed tonight"
She glanced behind her and smiled as the Secretary of State softly ran a finger across the back of her neck.President Jerry Shrub didn't notice. He was too excited about Laura Lee's promise. She sure was a good woman he thought. That was the kind of talk he wanted to hear. He always liked it when she let him sleep with his teddy bear.
posted by Paul at
3:25 PM
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